MalagaSuite Holidays Torremolinos

Oh, where to begin? Staying at this place was truly an experience. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live in a dystopian novel, book this spot immediately. First, the bedroom is so cozy it doubles as a broom closet. Want to put a crib in there? Dream on. We had to camp out in the living room—great for bonding if you enjoy sleeping next to a rattling sliding glass door that sings in the wind all night. The bathroom was a marvel of modern disrepair. The shower head, detached from the wall, provided a fun, hands-on bathing experience. Bonus points for the debris sprinkling down from the ceiling like it’s snowing indoors. Very festive! Speaking of wildlife, the kitchen was home to a thriving ant metropolis. They were kind enough to leave a trail to every crumb we didn’t even know we dropped. Sharing is caring, right? Rain? Prepare for the soothing sound of water dripping from the ceiling—indoors, of course. This was a perfect complement to the ambiance of no privacy, thanks to a charming gap between the wall and ceiling in the bedroom. Oh, and don’t lose the one key. If one of you dares to leave, the other is basically locked in. Very romantic—like a modern Romeo and Juliet, but with more passive-aggressive texts about when the key will return. The listing claimed the place had a view. I suppose they meant a view of nothing. Perhaps it was meant to symbolize life's emptiness? Very deep. There were no supplies, no maintenance, and no responses to complaints. But hey, who needs customer service when the power cuts out daily to keep you on your toes? Last but not least, the cherry on top: taking the trash not only out of the building but across the street. A free cardio workout! If you’re seeking the thrill of living in a crumbling DIY survival escape room, this is the place for you. Otherwise, I’d recommend pitching a tent in a parking lot—it would be an upgrade. Yeah we left a week early.